I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
