Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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