does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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