I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
