Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
