I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
