If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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