dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
