I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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