We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I did not marry a roomba.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
