remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
