He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
