he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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