I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
