I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
