____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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