he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
