Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
