I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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