at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have fence marks all over my body
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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