party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So vagazzling was a success
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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