Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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