Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So vagazzling was a success
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
