If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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