my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
