I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
