got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
