nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
