he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
