Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
