I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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