Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
