no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
