So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
