Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
