I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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