whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How external is "for external use only"?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
