DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
