I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
