Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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