3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
