don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
