when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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