John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
people are starting to question the shark bite story
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
