downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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