she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
