Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
