My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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