My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
