I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
