Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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