What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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