remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
