Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize