apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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