Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
